Gullible Lou

I do love our builders, really I do, and they are tireless workers, skilled and kind. If I was to be slightly picky it would be that the fact that they listen to Radio 1, loudly, is slightly challenging. It's not the music I object to, actually I'm loving the music, it's the DJs... they witter about trashy subjects. [OMG I'm old!] ... Now if they played Radio 4 on full blast I’d be happy,.... Hey ho.

They are full of fun. The plumber likes nothing better than to appear at a window suddenly, only happy when I shriek in terror. I’m going to get him back but I haven’t quite worked my master plan yet. All of them are wind-up merchants! Today the long awaited shower tray arrived. I whooped and cheered as the boss contractor and his second in command carried the large slab of stone upstairs. They called out good-naturedly to the plumber working in the tiny family bathroom,

‘No, no, don’t worry mate, we’ll carry it up for you, don’t worry about our backs, least we could do!’

The plumber was grinning, used to the abuse. As they set the tray against the wall I felt sick. The tray was a key ingredient in the bathroom and nothing could progress till this was in, with the pipes set beneath it. It was already two days late and now here it was, a massive piece of stone resin.... in aquamarine.

‘White. White. It’s supposed to be white.’ I stammered.

‘They don’t come in white,’ offered the contractor.

‘Just aquamarine,’ added the plumber.

‘Like a swimming pool,’ said the second in command.

‘But it said white on the Internet,’ I wailed.

We four stood and stared at the bonkers coloured tray.

I realised that a key decision needed to be made. Either I could send it back and hold up the project for the next two weeks or I could learn to live with a Hockney inspired shower tray. Thank God we’d opted for white wall tiles and light marble floor tiles. My husband was going to go mad.

The contractor handed me the delivery note. ‘Ah bless.’ He said. ‘Don’t worry Lou, the aquamarine protection stuff peels off. It'll be white underneath.’

‘Phaaar!' Exhaled the plumber from a crawl space. 'What you tell her so quick for? I wanted to wait till she phoned her old man!’

So that’s how it’s going to be eh? ..... Be very afraid boys, be very afraid......remember, I’m the one who makes the coffee and supplies the cake and cake can be flavoured in so many ways... Hmmmm, where's that chilli powder?

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