Thursday 27 January 2011


I've been ill. Nothing serious, just the obligatory cold, imported by the sproglets from school in winter.... yes, the one with the green snot. The actual cold has gone now but the claggy, mucus-head remains. Sorry if you were reading this through breakfast.


Well, lots to tell.

First, if I suddenly disappear from blog-land it could be because of my huge lottery win..... I'll probably be too busy to blog, what with the staff and the houses and the nipple-ectomy. So far I've won twice in two weeks so I'm fully expecting this Friday to be the big one... My total earnings to date is £11.58 so if you need a loan....... (yeah, dream on...)

Mind you, I have published a children's book and I fully expect the earnings from that to keep me in nipple operations for-ev-er. Take a look.


Archie has two new sisters. Mummy hen's release papers were signed as soon as we got the call from a kindly farmer with two Warren pullets. I think they're about 24 weeks old as they're much bigger and fluffier than Archie The Vulture. The three of them keep each other company in the run in the garden all day but still spend their nights in the coop.

Archie is used to being manhandled each day; lifted out of his bed in the morning and again back to bed in the evening. He peeps while he's being moved, telling us all about the latest news. The girls, on the other hand, have obviously rarely been held and are most affronted that we have the nerve to pick them up. The children have named one of the new girls Flappy, for this very reason. The other girl is more resigned to her fate, but she's still not happy.

Meanwhile Mummy Hen is ecstatic. She parades around looking the most sexy of the hens thanks to her make-over; white feathers adorned with the purple stripes I gave her to differentiate her from her sister. Rooster is smitten. There'll be chicks by Easter, mark my words!


It's Spring. Just thought I'd let you know in case you weren't sure or hadn't seen the signs..... [yes I know that OFFICIALLY Spring starts on 1st of March or some such nonsense, but I'm telling you IT'S NOW! Start ironing your bikini, I'll be summer next]

The reasons why I'm sure Spring has sprung are;
  1. There are lambs
  2. The tulips are beginning to poke their heads up
  3. The grass is beginning to re-grow
  4. I don't light a fire till 4pm.... [OK I'm in my coat and hat all day, but what's that got to do with anything?....]
  5. It is light'ish till almost 5:15pm and bright at 7:30am
  6. I've started planting ....... indoors and in the green house, but it still counts.

There is only one thing blighting my life at the moment, other than the state of the economy, lack of world peace and the fact that there is mud EVERYWHERE.... The one issue bugging me is nipple placement. Over a coffee the other morning a friend, who has done a very respectable fashion course, was sharing her concerns about the positioning of the ariola in fashion drawings. Apparently the nipples ought to be in line with the armpits. WHAT?

They must have got that wrong, surely? Mine are in line with my elbows...... my knees if I bend down...  My friend confided that she could get a whole pencil case under her previously upwardly-mobile bosom. I strongly suspect I could get an entire branch of WH Smiths under mine.

Traumatised by this conversation and the talk of a new illness sweeping through the local sproglet terrain entitled 'the galloping trots,' I drove home. Fortunately no stationery stores were swallowed in my wake, but I did stop to top up the home toilet roll reserves, just in case.


I'm back to writing again. I'd put my NaNo novel, 'The Perrys at The Berries,' in the hands of some very trusted friends in order to gauge opinion and see if it was worthy of some further work. It has been very well received, so next week I'll start on the real work - a big fat edit. Can't wait.


I've booked tickets for London's CyberMummy - have you? I'd love to meet up with as many peeps as possible so let me know if you're going too.


  1. Armpits....ARMPITS!!!! I've checked and mine are nowhere near my armpits. I could likewise fit a branch of WH Smith under mine but I'd never bloody find it again. Oh to be young again. I'd have got over my 'bra-less' phase pretty damn quick if I'd had a crystal ball!

    It is definitely Spring though. Our garden is a mass of bulbs coming up, the early onions are in and starting to shoot and the temperature stayed about 0 for a whole week. I'm getting the sunloungers out. Fancy a Pimms?

    My big re-edit starts next week too. I'm buying me a new laptop which The Children may NOT touch but I'm starting with my life in France one rather than the Nano one as I do at least have an agent interested in that.

    I had a look at CyberMummy but it seems a bit pricy. Have you been before? xx

  2. A very humorous post! Good luck on all your ventures.

  3. ARMPITS? What the eff? Only a flat chested little 12 year old has armpit level nipples, surely. I'm standing up straight right now to gauge mine... I'd say about three to four inches below the pits. Kind of mid way to the elbow. Now I just need to test what items I can hold under them and make a chart... :)

  4. Mine are looking at my fabulous shoes. The shoes are a very strong distraction. They can't tear themselves away.

  5. Wylye Girl: My sister has suggested I look into an op just to move the nipples. Sadly, due to body-subsidence, I feel I'd have to put them under my chin to ensure they were in the right place by the summer holidays.

    Oh, re the edit; let's email each other like we did during NaNo, just to keep the spirits up, (mine's a vodka, yours is a coke!!)

    Never been to CyberMummy.... D'ya think I'll need one of those silver suits like in Dr. Who?

    James: Thank you kind sir.

    The Vegetable Assassin: Mid-way to the elbow?!!!...... You lucky, lucky..$&%**$~... Will the chart be available as a PDF download on your site?

    I'm So Fancy: You'd think my nips would be looking up, as all I wear are wellies encrusted with chicken detritus..... sigh, I love your life....


The Archers at The Larches

Lou - Chicken whisperer....

Lou - Chicken whisperer....

Snowy and Moon

Snowy and Moon